CBD dreams

 What to write, what to write.  

I'm trying to take small steps to make it through this horrible anxiety.  I am back on my Zo CBD and that has helped so much.  If I do wake up in the middle of the night, my thoughts don't race and take over and I usually go back to sleep relatively soon.  It takes the edge off and I am grateful to have something that is working.  

I am slowly taking over all of the household bills and duties and budgeting so that we can still live a great life no matter what happens.  I use to budget down to the penny, so this is my jam and I am ready.  Again, just trying to control the little things and take one step at a time for whatever is going to happen.  

Work has been super busy and I love that.  We are wrapping up a huge 3 month study in august and starting a new smaller but important study immediately.  Plus, we have some other big research projects that are in the planning stage and I am super excited to get even more OT.  

Got three runs in this week by the skin of my teeth.  Two 3 milers and a 6 miler and I am calling that a win.  We had football camp going on at night and I was so excited to see my football mom friends again and get ready for an exciting season.  I am ready for some  #boomtownboys football on Friday nights and Saturday mornings!

That is about it for the week.  Next week we are hopefully taking a few days off to go to MN to race and I meet with my new therapist to see if we are a good fit.  Wish me luck!

Dog pics, yes please

First off, please enjoy some rando pictures of my dogs cause that is all I have right now.

Man, I think every week things will get better and you won't have to read about me freaking out about this or that, yet every week lately has been like, you thought last week was bad, here, HOLD MY BEER.  I am truly sorry if this blog has turned into a mental health diatribe but I am struggling and this is my outlet. I know my friends are sick and tired of me sniveling constantly.  My anxiety turns into me waking up every morning at 3:30 am with spinning thoughts and I have to get up and do talk therapy with my early bird friends to quiet them.  

Let's talk about the good.  My job is good. I am still getting lots of overtime and loving what I do.  My co workers are all battling their own mental demons, but I like the fact that we all have issues and we can come together and talk it out.  I have amazing friends who while are probably tired of me constantly leaning on them, do an amazing job of listening, offering up comments, and helping me to find solutions.  Porch beers and an ear are what I need right now and they are offering them up.  I would be exhausted if I were them LOL!  Of course my mom is always there for me and I am super blessed to still have her in my life even if she is many miles away.  

Running has been eh.   I was excited to start an experiment that had me going into the lab at 5 am for a 10 minute experiment and then coming home.  Perfect for getting my lazy butt out of bed with no excuses.  We do this experiment on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays so great.  First day was just what  I needed, went to the lab and worked and then had coffee, fueled, and was on the road an hour later.  Got to see the sunrise which was good for my soul.  Then, the schedule changed and we decided to start at 7 am instead.   Sigh.  Back to being a lazy sloth that gets any and all sleep my anxiety will give me lately.  We did have a night race Saturday night and that allowed me to be able to run Saturday morning.  I got two 3s and a 6 in and called it good.  I can't wait for fall running!!!!!

We ended the week with night racing.  Night racing isn't always our favorite because tempers seem to fly and crap hits the wall if you know what I mean.  While some crap did hit the wall and we had to have two emergency meetings about various actions of others, the racing was amazing and clean and that is all you can ask for.  Andrew drove his butt off, but we are still on the new not so great engine so not fast enough to be competitive.  He made some passes and tried really hard and I will take last place and trying your butt off versus just riding around in the back.   

Have a great week y'all!

#Boomtown

Getting a little bit bad about not getting my blog written or out on time.  Thank goodness I don't do any blog link ups!  I will try and do better this time by starting out writing a little at the beginning of the week since I get two days off thanks to the holiday.   

First of all I have to give a huge thanks to my parents from driving over from Tennessee every year to help with our 4th of July party.  They work their asses off getting the house and yard ready so we can all party on the fourth.  They cook, they clean, they burn things, and they set all of the things up.

Our town goes from 5K to about 50K in one day as we are known as #boomtown.  We have one of the best and biggest hand fired fourth of July shows in the nation.  People fly and drive in just for our show and I am not kidding when I say it is one of the best and rivals any big city show.  While you can sit anywhere in the giant field for the show, there is a VIP seating area right in front of where they shoot off the fire works and we get armbands for 25 friends to join us.  The last few years, we have had several of our track families come and join us for food, fun, and fireworks.  This year was amazing, even with storms that hit right after the show was done and we were back to the house.  

We had three track families and two running families join us and we had yummy food and drink all day. Plus, they had some homemade ice cream down the block and hydration teas two blocks over.  It was hot, but we all managed to stay cool enough, watched the parade with the kids getting tons of candy, and shot off fireworks periodically all day to enjoy the day.  This truly is my favorite holiday.    

Andrew wasn't into the carnival and fireworks like usual, but we still got some shot off the night of the fourth and the day after since the storm cut our session of blowing up wamego short.  I am glad our city gives us one more day past the holiday to get rid of what we buy.  Honestly, we were pretty tame this year with what we bought and blew up and I kind of liked it.  Andrew bought me several pretty fountains, some that made a little noise, but most that were just pretty to look at and that is my jam.  

My parents headed back on the 6th to Tennessee and I had a super rough day mentally.  As I mentioned, my anxiety has been through the roof lately and while they were here, it was super manageable, but as soon as they left, back to where it was times ten.  I also had a big coming to Jesus moment with my hubby.  I am lead on a new project that will have many days starting at 5 am.  I can't continue to work both jobs, not even the book work I am doing that can be done at any time.  I need this mentally off of my plate and I had reached a breaking point.  After yet another session of showing him what I do and how, I left the shop hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.  

After all, this is not my business.  It's never been mine, it's always been his and that is okay. I need to let go of any control I was trying to keep intentionally or unintentionally and let it all be his.  He is a grown adult, he wanted to be a small business owner, and I learned after a few years that while I love the flexibility of owning your own small business, I do not love the stress and heart ache.  Some people are born to fight and scratch and claw their way to the top 24:7 and that's just not me.  It takes all kinds.  

I did get some running done amid the chaos.  I have found that running is truly the only thing that calms me down mentally and evens me out.  We got two short runs and that was it for the week due to us being super busy all weekend.  Yeah I could have gotten up early both weekend mornings as it was glorious but I chose instead to get what sleep I could, and enjoy the days to the fullest.  

Speaking of the weekend, it was very jam packed.  We had promised Andrew a trip to Legoland with a friend if he was okay with not having a party this year.  He agreed but finding a weekend where his friend wasn't playing sports was tough.   We finally got them together and headed out to KC to explore Legoland and Sea life which is right next door.  Again, I was a little worried as we had been to Legoland many years ago and I felt it was a little "young" for 2 eleven year olds.  My worry was misplaced because they had a ball and did ALL.THE.THINGS.  We even were able to go have a late lunch over at Fritz's restaurant where they have the trains deliver food and then made a second pit stop on the way home in NOTO to show Andrew's buddy what a cool little spot it was.  We are all going to go back when the antique shops are open because surprise, his buddy LOVES antiquing like us!  

We ended the weekend with some racing.  I had hoped for better results but that just didn't happen.  Tony had talked to the engine builder during the week and he had told tony the new engine was not geared correctly and needed to be changed.  We just didn't' have the time to devote to making changes to the cars and then getting them out to practice and it hurt us.  I hate that Andrew was so confident going into the season and now is so upset because he wants to win and the cars just aren't there for him to do so.  I feel like he is finally holding up his end of the bargain and we are failing.  And every year I think, this is going to be a good year and there will be little to no drama and I am wrong every single time.  Sigh.  I left the track, drove home, and went to bed.  Why do I do things that bring me no joy?  Oh yeah, my kid does love this sport and wants to race above everything else.  

Have a great week y'all!  I am going to certainly try!

 

#IHATESUMMERRUNNING

Hi, it's me your favorite cold weather runner.  I am in the throes of hating hot humid runs and needing to run due to mental health.  It's amazing how just three runs a week helps my overwhelming anxiety lately, so come heat or high humidity, I am getting some done.  Let's dive in shall we?

It's my blog and I am going to overshare once again so if you see me losing my shit, you know why.  Even though I have gotten my own job and have increased my income by twice, I am still part of my hubby's company, so still seeing the ups and downs.  About the time I got my new job 5 months or so ago, we had a huge setback when cash flow choked done to nothing and we had to borrow money as the bank didn't want to help us anymore.  While I was very angry at the time, I get it, they are a business too and they have to protect their own asses.  Anyway, we borrowed money from a company we know nothing about, probably will pay back twice what we borrowed and now suddenly we are at the same spot again.  I am not sure why this cycle keeps happening, although I see it coming every time.  We are so very busy and are highly sought after and are booked out for weeks.  Yet this keeps happening and the bank's words of you are not profitable enough keeps banging around in my head.  We are on year 7 and I feel like we should be turning a corner now as we have all of the big purchases done, all of the good employees, and all of the kinks worked out, yet here we are again.    I am tired of this merry go round and what it is doing to my hubby's health.  I honestly never wanted to be a small business owner and this whole journey has solidified that feeling.  I myself am not cut out for the ups and downs and the heart ache that comes with this whole thing.  I had hoped by getting my own job and making my own money that I could get over some of the anxiety I have about this, because truly I can cover the family and all of the bills if shit goes down, but here I am not sleeping and waking up at 3 am puking and freaking out.  My anxiety is really getting the best of me and I am really struggling because I have to be 100 percent mentally at my job right now.  So there it is.  Not sure what is going to happen, but I will as always keep you posted.  I'm firmly in the what if game right now and while the worse truly isn't the worst ever, it still scares me.  

Okay enough about my mental health if you have stuck around.  We did get three runs in last week but no real long runs.  The humidity is here to stay and it is killing us, so we are trying to run at night to avoid it.  We got two threes and a five and called it good since I still can't seem to get up early AND it's 100 percent humidity in the morning anyway.  

We had another market in Wamego and I scored this amazing Boom town hat along with some yummy fruited lemonade.  I still think it's funny we are on the signs for the Wamego community market.  

I did work at the feedlot at my alma mater and loved every minute of it. It feels so good to be home.  My co-worker lives in Manhattan and her dad is a football coach at Manhattan High School, so I had to laugh that we were repping different football teams.  

We also found 2 kittens when we got back from the feedlot.  While I would love to take them, we don't need more animals, and they would have to live in a dog crate for quite some time as they are so tiny.  Our local vet took them for now and have a cute cat condo for them to play in till they get adopted.  I love my vet and his big heart :)

We also checked out the local homebrewer and his beer.   He had put out an invite on social media and I was so excited to head over and try what he had brewed.  He had a blackberry sour, an orange ale, and a chocolate stout.  I loved all three and can't wait to see what he brews next.  SO many of our local community showed up and we got to actually meet several people that we have seen for years but didn't really know.  Community.  I love it.  The kids played till they were sweaty messes and then had smores.  Andrew made some new friends, threw the football with a kiddo he had met in wrestling a few years ago, and then had an epic water gun fight.  We all went home very happy.  

We also finished a week up at Camp Invention.  Andrew has been going since he was going into K and let me tell you, this sap was crying like a baby.  He can't attend anymore as he has aged out, but he can go back as a leader in training and he can't wait.  I love that this group of educators have pushed this fixed mindset kid to problem solve and to go way outside of his comfort zone.   He truly has loved every single year.  

Last but not least, I have a lot of gems in my life and I am truly blessed.  They are why I get through these tough times and I am so glad I have assembled a true team of great women to surround me, lift me up, and just listen.  I can't thank you enough, I love each and every one of you.  

Have a great week and a safe 4th of July!