The End

I finally did it.  After two days of working hard for 8 hours at my normal job and then coming home and putting 3-4 more hours in at Coleman Electric, I  emailed the race director to see if I can defer till next year.  It was a huge weight lifted off of my chest immediately that i can run when I want to and how I want to and not have to worry about a race to train for.  As of writing this I have yet to hear back but at least I have put that intention out into the world.  I am out of spoons.  Totally out.  I am not sure how to get some spoons back.  

I got three runs in for the week as I had to work OT at job number 1 and we had a mini ice storm Friday night when I was going to get my fourth run in.  I am over winter now.  I love running in cold but ice, nope.  I was able to get a 4, a 7, and a 3 in.  That is as good as it's going to get for now and that is what it is.  I did start having some odd knee pain on my seven miler.  To be continued.  It was nothing like I had ever had pain wise and it went away after about a quarter of a mile, but hurt so badly that i thought I was going to have to have Tony come pick me up.  

I want to talk about my new job.  How much I love it. How I feel like I am home.  How I am worried about all of the turn over, but have been reassured that it's normal in the tech industry.  We have a good team.  We all have kids and we all take care of each other.  I love that.  I desperately want it to be my only job, but I am not sure how we are going to accomplish that.  I had hoped our new accountant could pick up the slack, but that hasn't been a viable option.  We could hire a book keeper but at what cost?  I am certainly cheaper than the other options, but what is the cost of my sanity?  Working 12 hour days is not in my constitution.  Well it use to be when I was much younger and didn't have a kid.  I am becoming resentful that I work from 5 am till 9 pm every night plus both weekend days.  I know it will get better some day, but it isn't right now and I am kind of mad about it.  I need to suck it up or walk away.  Neither are good options.  

Have a great week y'all!  Say a little prayer that we can figure out this job situation and I can be a happy camper again and just enjoy my one job.  I mean, at least I am getting two paychecks right?  Not all bad :)

A Running Pause...mostly

I love the guy that does the videos on FB that is a pre k teacher.  He always says "Pre-k Pause" to get his students to stop and listen.  I am going to have to say "Running Pause" because running is going to have to stop at least for my first week of working 2 jobs.  I still don't want to pull the plug on my race, but I am not sure again I am in the mental space to take on such a big distance.  While I need running to keep me sane, I also need every hour in my day to either work my primary job (MsBiotec) or my secondary job (Coleman Electric).  Right now I am getting up around 5-5:30 am, working for CE until I have to get ready to go to MSB before 8, and then coming home for lunch and working for CE, and then as soon as I get done at 4:30 pm, I am heading straight to the shop.  Y'all I am not lying, I am one very exhausted person that doesn't see an end to all of this in sight.  My mom is here now, which is a HUGE help, but she can't stay here forever. 

For those of you who don't follow me on Facebook on my personal page (which I think is pretty much all 5 of you who read my blog), here is a link to my new job!  I am part of an R and D team who is made up of all awesome scientists, both young and old.  I am so excited about what we are doing research wise and what we potentially might be doing in the future.  There are so many cool projects in the pipe line, but since it is a product that is commercially sold, I can't talk too much about it other than what is already out there.  In a nutshell, we manufacture and sell a product that is beneficial to cattle at times of stress, especially when they are transitioning into the feedlot and or the dairy life.  They have products available in a drench as well as a bolus.  Direct fed microbials is really the wave of the future as we try and get away from antibiotics and medications.  I am so excited to be a part of something very revolutionary for the cattle industry!

I did get a couple of short runs in on the weekend as I find my new normal.  I was able to get 6 with no pain on Saturday.  The eagles were out soaring and the weather was so amazing.  I had had some pretty bad pubic bone pain after my 15 miler and then run the next day, enough to scare me pretty badly.  Boom was also limping on and off last weekend, so I am sure the break was good for both of us.  While there is no way I could have run during the week as I try and feel out my new normal working both jobs, I was glad to get back to it this weekend with some glorious weather on tap that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.  I just did 3 the next day and still no pain!

Mom and I also did a ghost hunt in Wamego Saturday night.  We investigated 3 places, the Oz Winery, Toto's tacos, and the local mason lodge.  We had so much fun using different equipment and had a ton of activity at each place.  I also had my very first tarot card reading that was very inline with what is going on in my life.  I know everyone has their own opinion about these things, but we have fun doing them and learned a lot about the old buildings in our downtown area.  I am looking forward to leading a team of ghost hunters on an April 1st ghost hunt in downtown as a fundraiser for our local theater and possibly looking into maybe forming a group of like minded ghost hunters in Wamego.  

We ended the weekend staying outside coat free!  It was an amazing weekend to be outside and we hit up the zoo, had ice cream at baskin robbins, and then went to the brewery to have a couple of beers and ran into some of my post BNI friends.  Perfect end to a long but good week. Looking forward to a little more settling, hopefully back to some sort of a running routine, and some good experiments.  

Have a great week y'all!

A new Beginning?

I have a much clearer head this week thanks to some better sleep.  It's amazing what sleep can do for you.  I also have an appointment for the end of the week to see my GP for  my yearly physical/fun and to talk about what she can do to help me drug wise right now to get me through this. I am still waking up with some pretty significant anxiety and I have had to work from home the last week or so at least in the mornings to get it under control.  I need that to stop. I need to function from sun up till sun down (and then sleep).  

I had job interview number 2 on Tuesday and this one was in person.  I truly loved the facility and people and what they do.  My little lab rat heart skipped a beat looking at the fancy equipment and shiny lab toys.   I do feel like I would be a perfect fit for the team and living in Wamego makes me a very attractive to the team since most of them live in Manhattan and commute over.   I got the call on Thursday that I had the job with a very good offer attached. I had to say yes!  To be able to finally make close to what I should with two degrees and to actually be able to put money away for savings and pay more of the household bills so that Tony can keep all of his money in the business makes me feel so amazing.  Now to just make it a few weeks working at both places so I can keep a paycheck going LOL!  There will be a transition.  I would like to step fully away at some point for my sanity and for the sake of my marriage but I don't want to leave Tony in a lurch.  Payroll, QuickBooks, invoicing, and paying bills are all fairly easy and things I can do behind the scenes.  Deposits, checking mail, and answering phones during the day and scheduling will have to be taken over by others.  I of course will have to forfeit my new pilates class, move my chiro appointments to lunch time, and probably forgo my therapy sessions for now until I can see what might work. I don't want to do appointments at night because I run at night, and honestly running is the only thing keeping me sane.

I did run this week hitting a 5 miler, a 4 miler, a 15 miler, and a 4 miler, which is less miles than what I needed to do by 2, but also the best I could do.  It's so nice to run in the light for a bit post work.  I will probably continue to run post work versus getting up super early.  I am still not decided about running the actual race.  Again, I don't want to make any decisions about NOT running yet, but mentally I don't know if I will be 100 percent and you need to be to run for 12 hours.  Plus, Boom has been having a little hitch in his gait here and there. I think it is because he is much more sensitive to the rocks on the gravel road than Stella ever was or at least that is what i hope it is since it comes and goes and they just re rocked our gravel.  Stella even got to finish out our 15 miler with me because he was getting gimpy and she ROCKED it out!  

Towards the end of the week I had my yearly physical and met my new doctor that will be doing my yearly exams.  Let's just say I LOVE her.  My last NP was nice, but she was very condescending about my weight, my athletic activities, and my child.  It got to the point where when I hit my 3 years for having so many normal paps that I didn't come back for 3 years, even foregoing my yearly mamos.  I know I have gained weight and it's not good.  I know that I need to work on my health.  I am hoping now that I will be in a different stress that maybe I can re focus on my health.  Get back to doing the things I know are good for me and stop the things that are bad.  We also had a great discussion about mental health and sleep and she prescribed a newer med that is for sleep, but also helps with anxiety.  I am hoping that helps me get back to a more normal sleep schedule.

  

Y'all, keep me in your prayers for next week to be a smooth transition as I start my new job.  I know that my hubby will struggle getting back to doing things he originally did when he started this company, but I have to let go for my own mental health.  I can't shoulder the burden of all of the worry about everything all the time including our kiddo, the household, and the business.  I need to get my self straight, get financially more sound, and then make my next move whatever that might be.  Here goes nothing!

Derailed

This is not going to be a typical week.  I am not sure if I even want to write right now, but my therapist is encouraging me to continue writing for healing and frankly for my sanity, so here goes.  I am having major anxiety right now with the previous situations I alluded to in my previous post.  I am not sleeping at night which throws me into a huge anxiety spiral.  I don't like that.  I can't get anything done because all I want to do is be at work, working.  I have worked late almost every night running numbers, trying different ideas, trying to project what might happen.  I hate this.  Loosing sleep is my number one most hated thing and is the main reason why I didn't even consider having a second baby after Andrew was such a sleeping nightmare.   When I am dealing with already being sleep deprived I spiral further and further down.  One night I was up all night having panic attacks and puking my guts up when I didn't have food to give since I haven't been really eating.  I have trouble breaking out of the cycle and if I can't break out, depression will set in.  I have no reason for this.  I am healthy (need to lose a few pounds).  I have a healthy son.  I have money to pay my bills and am looking for a way to make more in the form of a job outside of working for my hubby.  My dogs are a pain in the butt, but I love them.  Life is mostly good.  But here I am panicky, pukey, and hanging on for dear life.    I am serious when I say I just want to go home and be with my mommy (and yes I am 45 years old).  I wish I could just tell my body to snap out of it but it's not listening.  It is what it is and will be what it will be.  We will get through this one way or the other.

I did get some running done.  I ran a 5, a 4, a long run of 13, and a shorter run of 5.  Surprisingly, most runs felt good and were the only parts of me feeling normal this week.  Running with my running partner felt so good as we could discuss.  She deals with kiddos with mental health issues and heck I am a big kiddo at heart LOL.   I don't know what I would do without my tribe right now.  They are up early with me talking me down through panic attacks, up late with me when I can't sleep, and trying to cheer me up as much as they can.  They truly are the best ever and I love them so much.  Find you a tribe, they will help you through the worst of times and if they don't, they shouldn't be in your tribe in the first place.  

I did have a first interview at one of the jobs I applied at and I felt it went well.  Still waiting to see if I can get a second.  The questions were pretty easy, but her video wasn't working (it was a gate keeper for HR, so not local) and it was hard to talk to a blank screen.  She did say I was overqualified, but also a good fit for the team.  Keep your fingers crossed.  I haven't heard anything from the second job that I was VERY overqualified for.  I applied because sometimes I think it would just be nice to do something mindless and easy and just a job I can walk away from at the end of the day.   I need to make my own money.  I need to make money that I should have made with the amount of schooling I have done. I have never ever made over 40K.  I have never been able to put money away for a rainy day, because I have always lived paycheck to paycheck.  I want to pull my own weight. I want to be able to pay all of our bills just in case (which isn't much).  I want to contribute.  

To end the week I had two big things.  One was Andrew's honor choir.  Andrew tried out and made district honor choir unbeknownst to us.  His concert was in Junction City, which is about 30 minutes away.  It was held at the new high school in town and for some reason GPS didn't know where the new high school was. Our phones took us to the old school.  When we tried to find the new school, we couldn't.  Since Andrew had his phone, we tried to track it.  The tracking took us to another field.  Finally after about 30 minutes we found it and walked in as the concert was ending.  Sigh.  Perfect ending to a perfect week right?  I bawled my eyes out until we found it, but had to clear my tears away and act like we were there for the sake of my child.  Thanks to my friends who all videoed the concert and allowed us to see all of the songs.  It was amazing.  I am so proud of Andrew!!!!  I love seeing him try something new and love it.  

Second thing, we had our wrestling tournament for the girls called the Stefanie Turner Memorial tournament.

Stefanie was my friend, my favorite person to bounce ideas off of when I have issues with Andrew since her son was older but very similar.  I still miss her so much and have had several times when I wanted to message her and couldn't because she is gone. I felt like she was smiling down on us today.  She loved purple and we had purple everywhere.  To see so many girls kicking butt and taking names, winning, and loving the sport I have come to love really put a smile on my otherwise sad face.   She was such an amazing friend and person and I just miss her.  SO many times I have found myself starting to write a Facebook message only to remember that she isn't there.  We may not have been best friends but she was in my life in a positive and meaningful way and I just miss her and our talks so very much.

If you are the praying kind, just say a prayer for me.  I am stronger than this, but for some reason my brain is just going a little haywire.  I need to make some very big decisions with a very clear head, so pray for me to be able to do those things.  Both my running partner and I are doubting our ability to train right now effectively due to her having injuries and me with all of this mess and may have to defer our races.  I don't want to bail yet but without full mental capacity to tackle 12 hours, I am not sure if this is a smart idea.  No matter what, I will still run because running brings me clarity with or without a race to prepare for.