Derailed

This is not going to be a typical week.  I am not sure if I even want to write right now, but my therapist is encouraging me to continue writing for healing and frankly for my sanity, so here goes.  I am having major anxiety right now with the previous situations I alluded to in my previous post.  I am not sleeping at night which throws me into a huge anxiety spiral.  I don't like that.  I can't get anything done because all I want to do is be at work, working.  I have worked late almost every night running numbers, trying different ideas, trying to project what might happen.  I hate this.  Loosing sleep is my number one most hated thing and is the main reason why I didn't even consider having a second baby after Andrew was such a sleeping nightmare.   When I am dealing with already being sleep deprived I spiral further and further down.  One night I was up all night having panic attacks and puking my guts up when I didn't have food to give since I haven't been really eating.  I have trouble breaking out of the cycle and if I can't break out, depression will set in.  I have no reason for this.  I am healthy (need to lose a few pounds).  I have a healthy son.  I have money to pay my bills and am looking for a way to make more in the form of a job outside of working for my hubby.  My dogs are a pain in the butt, but I love them.  Life is mostly good.  But here I am panicky, pukey, and hanging on for dear life.    I am serious when I say I just want to go home and be with my mommy (and yes I am 45 years old).  I wish I could just tell my body to snap out of it but it's not listening.  It is what it is and will be what it will be.  We will get through this one way or the other.

I did get some running done.  I ran a 5, a 4, a long run of 13, and a shorter run of 5.  Surprisingly, most runs felt good and were the only parts of me feeling normal this week.  Running with my running partner felt so good as we could discuss.  She deals with kiddos with mental health issues and heck I am a big kiddo at heart LOL.   I don't know what I would do without my tribe right now.  They are up early with me talking me down through panic attacks, up late with me when I can't sleep, and trying to cheer me up as much as they can.  They truly are the best ever and I love them so much.  Find you a tribe, they will help you through the worst of times and if they don't, they shouldn't be in your tribe in the first place.  

I did have a first interview at one of the jobs I applied at and I felt it went well.  Still waiting to see if I can get a second.  The questions were pretty easy, but her video wasn't working (it was a gate keeper for HR, so not local) and it was hard to talk to a blank screen.  She did say I was overqualified, but also a good fit for the team.  Keep your fingers crossed.  I haven't heard anything from the second job that I was VERY overqualified for.  I applied because sometimes I think it would just be nice to do something mindless and easy and just a job I can walk away from at the end of the day.   I need to make my own money.  I need to make money that I should have made with the amount of schooling I have done. I have never ever made over 40K.  I have never been able to put money away for a rainy day, because I have always lived paycheck to paycheck.  I want to pull my own weight. I want to be able to pay all of our bills just in case (which isn't much).  I want to contribute.  

To end the week I had two big things.  One was Andrew's honor choir.  Andrew tried out and made district honor choir unbeknownst to us.  His concert was in Junction City, which is about 30 minutes away.  It was held at the new high school in town and for some reason GPS didn't know where the new high school was. Our phones took us to the old school.  When we tried to find the new school, we couldn't.  Since Andrew had his phone, we tried to track it.  The tracking took us to another field.  Finally after about 30 minutes we found it and walked in as the concert was ending.  Sigh.  Perfect ending to a perfect week right?  I bawled my eyes out until we found it, but had to clear my tears away and act like we were there for the sake of my child.  Thanks to my friends who all videoed the concert and allowed us to see all of the songs.  It was amazing.  I am so proud of Andrew!!!!  I love seeing him try something new and love it.  

Second thing, we had our wrestling tournament for the girls called the Stefanie Turner Memorial tournament.

Stefanie was my friend, my favorite person to bounce ideas off of when I have issues with Andrew since her son was older but very similar.  I still miss her so much and have had several times when I wanted to message her and couldn't because she is gone. I felt like she was smiling down on us today.  She loved purple and we had purple everywhere.  To see so many girls kicking butt and taking names, winning, and loving the sport I have come to love really put a smile on my otherwise sad face.   She was such an amazing friend and person and I just miss her.  SO many times I have found myself starting to write a Facebook message only to remember that she isn't there.  We may not have been best friends but she was in my life in a positive and meaningful way and I just miss her and our talks so very much.

If you are the praying kind, just say a prayer for me.  I am stronger than this, but for some reason my brain is just going a little haywire.  I need to make some very big decisions with a very clear head, so pray for me to be able to do those things.  Both my running partner and I are doubting our ability to train right now effectively due to her having injuries and me with all of this mess and may have to defer our races.  I don't want to bail yet but without full mental capacity to tackle 12 hours, I am not sure if this is a smart idea.  No matter what, I will still run because running brings me clarity with or without a race to prepare for.