Toxic and Health update part deux

More on that title at the end........

Another week, another concert.  This time choir.  So excited that Andrew has decided to keep at choir in high school. While he isn't the best singer out there, I feel like there is so much good in fine arts and being a part of both band and choir.   As always, I loved the final number which is a collaboration between the high school and the middle school choirs.  Also LOVED the competition piece that our high school choir is going to be competing with.  I mean who doesn't love a well sung Latin song.  The solos were so amazing as well.    

Two runs and two work outs (upper and lower body).  It's been a weird week and I'm just happy to get whatever I can this week.  One run with Boom (4) and one run with psycho chick (5).   I miss how easy it is to run with Boom who cares nothing about cars, birds, airplanes in the sky, the worm the wriggled in the dirt, the cow that farted two miles away.  I kid but she is SO sensitive to EVERYTHING!  He is so quiet and so sweet ad a perfect little running partner.  I so wish I could run with both of the again and may try this spring and see if Ollie has calmed down.  

 

First of all, marry a man who puts up with your moods/health issues/anxiety.  This is a picture of Tony putting on my estrogen patch for me.  

Health update part two.  I met with an endocrinologist this week finally to discuss a path forward with regards to my thyroid.  Spoiler alert, the path is wait and hold.  The mass that I feel is NOT a nodule; it's the actual thyroid itself.  As to why it's so pissed off, we aren't sure, but until it causes issues and or my mom's nodule testing comes back cancer, we are just in a wait and hold period.  Yearly ultrasounds for sure and a follow up in a few months to check in and see if changes have happened.  Surgery is always a possibility, but only if it causes compression issues like I can't swallow or I can't breathe.  We aren't there yet, but if it gets bigger, we could be.  Anway, watching my mychart app as the test results roll in and I don't think I am a positive for any of the auto immune issues that might have caused the size change so that is a bonus.  I was shocked and pleased to hear at least in my endocrinologist's practice that needle biopsies aren't as common anymore as they felt like 90 percent or more of nodules are benign and it's a waste of time and money to do them.  The best news of anything????  My endo is a board-certified menopause specialist who LOVES working with women who need answers and boy do I ever.  She is putting me on estrogen patches and cream and is allowing me to up my progesterone so that I sleep at night all night.   I will take extra weight in exchange for sleep.  I am so excited to FINALLY get on the road to being me again, even if old me was just as crazy.    

We did celebrate Pi Day in Manhattan with pie from Aj's pizza and pie from Therapie, two of our favorite local joints.

The French silk is like melt in your mouth amazing.  We also now have to go to the snow cone place any time we are in town and while I felt like we had enough sugar, I was about to make the Andrew sit in a brewery for a few hours, so I relented. Shark attack snow cone for the win.  Another local business hit up as well.  

Finished the night at Manhattan Brewing Company.

We had beers, live music, and good food from Piccalilli Farms.  Two more good local companies that we love to support.  

Of course, the Church Ladies Unsupervised brought a big crowd with them and we had fun singing along with their tunes.  Andrew got to see an upright base being played and that was the goal of us being there.  I love exposing him to so much good live and local music.  He's still developing his style and his tastes, and my goal is to get him to as much live music as I can so that he can see a wide variety.  

Let's end on this.  I would love to develop the skill mentioned above and if anyone has ANY tips to help my brain, please share.  Toxic is not a word I've ever been called and while I know it's manipulation, it still hurts.  I've been accused of creating a toxic work environment and while I know that isn't true at all, hearing those words has affected me in ways I never thought it would. Words hurt and I've always worn my heart on my sleeve so that pierced it quite quickly and caused me some sleepless nights.  I apologized to the coworkers I care about, and they assured me that I did not cause any issues in their minds.  I am always working on me and if I am not the best version of me, then I want to know.  This is why I go to therapy.  I've had some self-doubt this week and I will definitively treat the work environment differently from now on moving forward.  I hate to think that work is just about showing up, doing my job, and leaving, but I think for my mental health, that is what I am going to have to do.  I'm still on the fence about upping my meds versus waiting to see if my estrogen patches kick in.  I do have a follow up appointment next week and I guess we can talk all the options over and see what we think is best as a team.  Stay tuned.  

Have a great week y'all!  It's supposed to be negative wind chill and 90 all in the same week so there is that!

Statins are the devil

Let's start this week off right!  Andrew had his spring band concert.  The 8th grade band only got to play 3 songs which makes me sad that they only got three, but they were all good.  The 1st chair trumpets are struggling a little bit with their high notes but some of the songs were very high and technical and that is to be expected of an 8th grader.  Andrew was very congested and didn't feel well but got it done and now they can work on their competition piece for solo and ensemble.  It's always so cool to see the growth in all the bands at this point, especially the 6th and 7th grade bands.  It's hard to believe that next year he will be in the high school band in a sea of trumpets.  

I got in three runs this week (4, 3.2, 5) and two work outs (upper body and lower body).  We've had all the seasons this week but mainly spring has sprung.  A side note, I had started on statins on the 25th of February and by this week I was having some severe muscle cramps and pain.  At one point it felt like my wrist was broken it hurt so badly in the joint.  We do think this is related to the statins and I am stopping them at this point.  Even being off of them several days, I am still having some muscle soreness that I would not normally encounter with the work outs I do.  They have made this week very challenging with regards to working out but I pushed through.

I would like to say this week has been better for me but mentally, it's been a tough week.  I have another situation in my life where I feel like the bad person is going to win and that seems to be a pattern in my life. I'm just going to leave it as this: Narcissism is a powerful tool and once again, to see it in action is just plain scary.   At times I feel like I am the bad person, but then I remember I have done NOTHING wrong.  To be continued and pray for my friends and therapist who are helping me navigate this whole thing.  I know I am a lot and they handle me well and I am so appreciative of them when I am ruminating over something as stupid as this whole situation.  

I will leave you with this above.  I told my therapist about waking up at 4:44 and how it was such a nice comforting number to see on the clock.  She told me look it up and see what its meaning was and I did.  Holy moly.  I would like to think that my grandma and granddaddy McAbee are watching over me right now and protecting me.  I know of several situations that my granddaddy has specifically kept me safe, so I know this is really a thing.  I had a wreck when I was 18 that I walked away with, without a scratch and I shouldn't have based on how fast the car was going that t boned me.  I know he protected me in that case for sure and continues to do so.  Glad I have a therapist grounded in science but also into woo woo as well!

Have a great week y'all!

Health update

Okay the big news this week is that I went to the doctor.  Yes, I am getting old when "I went to the doctor" is the lead into this story.  I'm going to bullet point this because why not, I'm old and it's easier to read.

• Thyroid-my PCP and the doctor I see for my yearly appointments are different but in the same group. I prefer a woman over men, especially because my PCP is a runner and we've run together in the past and could in the future.  While he is a total professional, I don't want him looking down there and then looking me in the face on a run.  Weird, maybe.  Anyway, all of that to say he and the female PA I saw are both totally in dissent with the radiologist about my thyroid.  They feel like more needs to be done and more follow up needs to be done.  I have my endo appointment in March, so stay tuned.  They hope she is going to put some parameters in place for either testing or monitoring, but if she doesn't, they are.  I feel like it's getting bigger and people now notice it, so it's changed.  I still don't think the worry is cancer but as to what it is, the jury is still out. I did tell them needles are a no go, and they are prepared to have my ass knocked out or at least super out of it for any needles.  

• Anxiety-back to is it the chicken or the egg that comes first.  Is it the fact that I have no estrogen or a huge lump in my neck the reason I have anxiety or is it just anxiety.  I want to treat the underlying cause not just the symptoms.  Many women go on anti-depressants during perimenopause and menopause, and my doctor thinks for now it's a good idea.  I am willing to try it and see if it helps, but I still would like a re check of my hormones to see if I am truly at zero so that we can start to add estrogen back in. Then therein lies the problem, if we do add in hormones, how will I know if they are working if I am on medication for anxiety/depression.  Sigh.

• Menopause-yes, I am firmly in it.  No, the little spotty spots I randomly have are not periods.  I can start the countdown.  YES! That also may mean I can get on estrogen.  Bonus!

Okay off of health, onto the good stuff and done with the bullets.  I got three runs (4, 4, and 5) in this week and two lifts (upper body and lower body).  The weather was slightly nicer again, warmer but without the humidity.  Then winter said hold my beer and came roaring back BUT I had planned for it, got my runs done, and all I had to do was lift in the shop in the warmth.  I had planned for a longer long run on Saturday as well but the farmers in my area and on my route had a better idea.  Let's all collectively inject anhydrous ammonia at the same time where Michelle and Ollie are trapped happened.  Lucky for me, my hubby was driving around and came and picked us up and we got to spend the rest of the morning downtown sipping coffee from the Brew and eating homemade pizza at Bird's Creamery.  Support local!

 

  

I also got some news at work that didn't surprise me but also made my week quite interesting.  Our QC department had been dwindling as of late due to people getting other jobs, but the leadership decided to go ahead and fire everyone and start over, which means that our RD department had to fill in.  It's not hard work; it just has to be exact as it directly affects product being released.  There is TONS of paperwork, tons of places to sign and date and no room for error.  Just what my nervous system needs right now.  No pressure, right?  We had several 10 hour days and one 12 hour day, but we got it done.  Can I continue at this pace, no, but also, I just got a raise and a bonus and I want to keep my job that is so close to my home, so get it done is the vibe.  

Have a great week y'all!  I am hoping and praying things calm down and I can just focus on being the best person and mom I can be, working out on working on me, and providing great results to whomever is my boss on that day.  

Worries but hopefully not

You have to love some BrittanyFrostdesigns.  This was the first thing on her page this morning and it's so fitting.  I got a little personal in my last blog post but I'm not sorry.  I have to get these things out of my head, or I will go crazy (or maybe I am already there).    I have a planned yearly physical with my doctor next week as well as therapy and I need it.  Things have been very rough this week for me mentally and I don't see them getting better anytime soon, BUT I will make it through this.    I do need to be able to do my job and function as a mom, so I am going to need something to help me with that and there is nothing wrong with that.  I have some medications I would like to discuss based on things that have helped others in my life.  They may not be a great fit for me, but they may be.  Who knows till we try.  I will say, there has been lots of good too sprinkled into this week, so let's continue with those things, because those are the moments I have to cling to mentally to get me through this speedbump.  

I got two strength work outs done this week with some modifications from Tony.  I do love when he looks at my work outs and gives me suggestions.  When I do upper body, I like to have a variety of exercises, not just shoulder, shoulder shoulder.  To me upper body is all things upper including core and biceps/triceps.  My app apparently likes to just work my shoulders.  Sigh.  He subbed out to include some concentrated curls for my biceps and some close grip bench presses which he spotted me on to work my triceps.  I wish he would work out with me more.  I really enjoy that time together and he is a treasure trove of tips and tricks due his is background in lifting and body building.   I've had some knee pain in my right knee and I am not sure where it is coming from, so I've really been careful about running this week.  Who am I taking care of myself and not literally running myself into the ground????  I did get two short runs done and called it good.  

Tuesday was Fat Tuesday.  I love all things Cajun and New Orleans and would seriously live there if the crime wasn't so bad and hurricanes liked to visit.  I love the culture, the music, and most of the food.   Im not a huge seafood fan but andouille sausage in gumbo is my jam.  My next trip with Andrew is going to be down to the big easy.  We aren't Catholic, so we don't go through the whole process of Fat Tuesday/ Ash Wednesday and Lent, but I explained the significance of all days to Andrew and then we celebrated Fat Tuesday at Manhattan Brewing Company with hurricanes, beignets, king cake, and gumbo.  There was also a jazzy type of band that came and played with a very famous guitar player jamming out (Wayne Goins) and Andrew whispered to me best night ever as we left.  Yes, I totally regretted the two hurricanes I imbibed in, but I made it through work and only felt like poop from about 2 am till about lunch time.  The experience was worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat to see my kiddo smile and enjoy the live music.  

Wednesday was Andrew's music lessons, and I swear if I have to get a third job, I will support his habit no matter what.  He's been talking about getting an electric guitar and I think that would be so much fun for him to dabble in all things stringed.  He was wailing away the other night in his room on his ukelele.   It's just such a fun journey to be on with him.    I seriously can't wait to see where this goes for him in the future.  

We ended the week with we are getting old.  Tony had his first colonoscopy and boy was that not fun.  I think worse than the prep of cleaning out was the not eating for over 24 hours.  He had a few polyps, but the doctor didn't seem concerned.  We are currently waiting on the report but again the doctor was not worried much at all.  What he was a little concerned with is that his small intestines were very inflamed.  He has no symptoms of anything bad like Crohn's or IBD, but his intestines looked like he either had one of those or he took Advil too much.  Stay tuned, we have a CT scan planned for next week with orders to check his small intestines a little bit more.

Seriously y'all, I may be struggling but y'all have a great week! This too shall pass and if it won't, better living through chemistry it is!

Day of Love

 

Not going to lie, loving brief hits of warmer weather without humidity.  I can take heat any day but leave the damn moisture out of the air.  Plus, having just a tiny bit of light later in the night lifts my spirits after so many dark night runs.  

Two lifts this week including upper body and lower body and three runs including a rain run that was a tad bit short of my 4 I've been aiming for.  Bad Bunny is still jamming in my ears and pushing me through my work outs and runs.  Damn his music is so good for getting you going and keeping you going.  Plus, they keep me dancing between sets and I love a good salsa!

Happy Valentines Day y'all!!!!  Woke up to heart shaped donuts on Friday. Mine was quite delicious and I shared it with my coworker bestie and my boss since she needed some chocolate love.  

Andrew got some chocolate and I got some roses day of and we spent the night eating heart shaped pizza and chocolate covered strawberries.  It was the perfect day to spend the day of love.

I want to end on a serious note, and I know I've talked about this before but here I am again having serious anxiety due to many things in my life.  I'm not to the point of puking in garbage cans, not sleeping, not functioning period, but I'm pretty damn close and I don't want to get to that point.  I am going back to therapy every 2 weeks, but the cause of the anxiety is not going to go away because I live with the cause every day in my house.    I'm not sure how to fix this.  I don't want to get to the point of flight again but it's there bubbling under the surface.   I try not to worry about things that I can't control like when people pay my hubby and how he runs his business, but I can't stop it.  At the end of the day the debt he brings into his business and if he loses it period will ultimately affect me, especially since my parents are now involved financially as well.  It literally is driving me nuts and consuming all of my thoughts.  I'm watching stress slowly kill my hubby and it's only a matter of time before it turns on me.  I'm trying all my tricks, all the things that have worked for me in the past (including writing in this blog), and they just aren't working.  I've left medication as the last resort and here I am at the last resort.  All of that word vomit to say stay tuned and send any positive vibes/prayers/good feelings/whatever you can give me my way.   I know I can get out of this, just got to get there in one piece and get it figured out.  

Sorry for ending on such a bummer note but truly have a great week y'all.  

Super Week

Three runs and one strength training work out this week.  Didn't get legs in this week, but you know what, I run so that should count for something strength training wise.  I am super excited to see daylight later into the evening for our runs.  Something about having light just makes me run a little lighter and faster.  Although it does also mean the return of humidity very, very soon.  Yuck.  This is going to be short because I have lots to do today including welcoming part of our racing family to work on Andrew's car!

I did have my yearly review with my boss this week.  I was dreading it, not because I did anything wrong or haven't worked my butt off all year, but because I hate hearing the things I need to work on.  I know my weaknesses already but hearing them from others just hits differently.   Learning how to be critiqued is part of science or any job for that matter so I guess I need to work on that (add it to my list LOL), but also, I put more pressure on myself than anyone else can.  There were no surprises other than we are going back to if this is your area, stay in your lane and do your best.  It seriously changes each year and that's fine.  I love staying in my lane!  My specialty is diet and calf milk replacer as related to how if effects our products and plating, and I enjoy that even though I can do whatever needs to be done in the lab including PCR and the in vitro system.  I'm a team player but (and I feel like I've written but way too many times) I do like to do what is comfortable to me.  Here is to hopefully another year of a job as I don't know how much longer they will have an RD department once they decide they are comfortable with their line up of products or the sell the company.  

The Soares and Wood's family came to town Superbowl Sunday to get the car put together.  They mostly got it done with maybe one more days' worth of work to do.  The boys Jaxen and Hank worked hard to get all of Tony's quarter midget stuff together to categorize and sell.  It's the end of an era and I am so sad to see it end.  It's also really weird to not hear anything from anyone about buying any of our stuff, but I have my theories on that that I shall keep to myself at this point.  This is around about the time last year we tried to get Andrew stuffed back in his cars and realized it wasn't going to happen so I am hoping people will be calling soon.  

Superbowl Sunday was spent with one of my most favorite people in the world Brandy, while the boys worked on the car.    We had the town all to ourselves since I guess everyone was at parties.  We had coffee and soup, did some shopping, and spent time at the brewery.  It was like 70 degrees outside, so we sat on the patio and had a few tasty beers.  I did watch the first half of the Superbowl, mainly for the commercials and the Bad Bunny concert as I am a Chief's fan and have no interest in either of the teams playing.  I had recently become a fan of Bad Bunny after I was curious about his music post grammy's.  I was instantly hooked upon delving into his albums, and I will say I absolutely loved the half time show and how they presented it.  Music doesn't need a language as it's music and it flows and moves and covers you up in sound and beats.  Andrew and I danced out butts off and thought that the way they moved through the scenery was amazing! Plus, Lady Gaga and Ricky Martin singing was just icing on the cake.   I would definitely go to a Bad Bunny concert in a heartbeat because the music just fills my soul and makes me want to move!  Congrats to the winner and the fact that the QB was a red head.  Go GINGERS!

Have a great week y'all!

Let's get it started

I went into this week full of dread.  Full of what ifs.  Lots of things going on that weren't great.  Got an unexpected bill that was super high that I wasn't ready to pay at this moment.  Cash flow in my hubby's business was severely affected thanks to the holidays.  Boss had to have emergency surgery and be out more after just getting back from being gone.  And then there was my thyroid journey starting.   I'm trying to be the brave strong person I've been for a while now, but I feel that person is slipping a bit.  Let's dig in, shall we?

If you remember last week, I had found a knot that ranged from golf ball sized at times to egg sized with swelling going all the way up to my ear and down to the middle of my neck at times.  I tried not to go to the worst-case scenario but if you know me, that is exactly where I went.  I do have amazing life insurance thanks to Barry Luck (Federated Insurance), so my family is protected and yes, I did just do a plug for him because he really helped me understand how important this is so that your family is covered. Plus, he runs and lifts and just gets me and my craziness, so he gets some flowers!  Our first step was to have an ultrasound done on my neck to see what we were dealing with.  At the time it could be anything from a nodule to just a pissed off swollen thyroid so no use freaking out till we knew.  Spoiler alert, I still did freak out, but it a much calmer way than I normally would.  I was lucky enough to get an ultrasound planned in Wamego so I wouldn't have to miss much work.  It was quick and painless and while I wanted to ask a million questions, I knew the tech couldn't truly answer them, so I kept them to myself.  My only thought was that she sure was taking a lot of pictures on all sides of my thyroid and when I could have my head tilted to the side she had the screen on, I sure could see what looked to be like some tumor/nodule things.  I hate when I am right.  According to the nurse who called me from my doctor's office, there are five nodules.  According to me reading the actual report from the radiologist, there are three nodules and two measurements of my actual thyroid lobes.  Sigh.  I am going with what I see on the report, not what the nurse claimed.  I really feel like she misread the report.  The good news is that they are all smallish and at this time not looking like cancer or ready for needle biopsies.  I am to follow up with an endocrinologist who of course is booked out till April, but she's really good and I am willing to wait.  I am putting my panic about needles and worry on hold till I need to bring it back out again :)

Outdoor work outs were done with the consideration of the cold.  I don't mind running longer in the cold when the sun is out but something about it being dark and cold just gets to me mentally.  I did an upper body work out and a lower body lifting session during the week and only one run.  I gave up one of my running days to go watch Andrew have his bass lesson which I will discuss next as I was blown away.  I got my other two runs done on the weekend even though the temps were subzero or very low.  Having the sun allows me to do hard things for sure and I got four done easily on the gravel.   There is still a lot of ice due to the freeze thaw going on and the majority of the snow hasn't melted yet so it's going to continue to get worse.  That just means black ice will continue to be a problem and it's one I hate.  

Okay Andrew and his music lesson!!!  Where do I start?  Holy smokes I was blown away.  The format was him and his two teachers jamming out.  Then they would stop and discuss technique or a certain way to play a certain song then right back to it. Yes, I was singing in the waiting room and no I don't think I will be missing anymore lessons.  They have a plan to work two lessons a month private and two lessons a month with another kiddo same age actually same school jamming with him and the teachers with them.  There is also a kiddo a little bit older that plays guitar and sings that if it's a good fit, they are going to mesh them all together at some point.  This is truly Andrew's dream come true and I am here for it!!!!

Have a great week y'all!  This will be a big one and pray for me that it is a good one. 2026 isn't being very nice right now and I need it to turn around!