Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Random musings about a former version of me

I have had a rough weekend. I have written this type of post many times and never published it.  Mainly because I don't want to sound like a whiner.  I live a very blessed life, and I am so thankful for everything in it and about it.  BUT I am a honest person and when something is bothering me, I write about it.  So here goes.
Miller and I at AKC Nationals
I gave up dog agility for the most part after my son was born.  This is a sport I was VERY involved in for 13 years prior.  I started with my Berry dog, then showed Harley and Miller, and had begin to show Deuce and train Stella after I found out I was preggers.
This was at a dog show in Omaha NE
I tried valiantly after my son was born to continue my lifestyle of teaching two nights a week, and working full time, and heading out to shows every weekend but I just couldn't keep it up.  It got super hard when andrew got mobile, to keep him happy at the shows.  It was so easy when I could put him in a stroller and just go or carry him around and pass him from person to person while I walked the courses. I tried just leaving him home with daddy but that got tough as well. As he got older, it got even harder, because I didn't like to be away from him.  Don't get me wrong, I totally trust my hubby and he is a WONDERFUL father, but something inside me just didn't want to leave him.  I also had to give up my teaching which was my extra show income, because again, I didn't like being away from him on weeknights.  Kids thrive on routine, and when I went straight from my normal job to teaching on the nights I taught, I didn't see him till the next morning.  I moved teaching at first to the weekends, but surprisingly, I lost a ton of students due to that move.  I finally just gave it up, and with that went my extra show income.  Add on paying for daycare and then preschool weekly and poof, no extra show money.  Again, I am not complaining, I LOVE my son more than life itself, but just kind of pointing out what was going on.
Me running Deuce when I was preggers
I am going to be super honest and judge me if you will, but here goes some honesty.   I had to cut back to one show a month, whereas  previously I had done up to 3 shows a month.  This was super hard, because I really couldn't reach the goals like qualifying for nationals anymore on one show a month.  Also about the time I had andrew, the shows that were once in Lawrence, which was within driving distance daily, all moved to KC, which was not driving distance daily.  I had to start paying for hotel and food and more gas, which was not in the budget.  I am one of those people who likes to be competitive in what I do.  Mind you, I mostly compete with myself in both agility and running, but I like to be the best version of me that I can be.  Going to one show a month and usually only 2 days, plus not getting to regular classes just took me out of contention to be competitive at all.  It wasn't fun for me to just show up at the shows and not get any type of positive reinforcement in the form of Qs, better runs, or placements.  I stagnated and got frustrated, and decided I just couldn't do it.  The financial stress, coupled with the frustration made it not fun anymore for me.  I decided to step away, completely away. No agility.  Nothing.  Not even classes that are about 30 minutes away from me or online classes.   I still watched every video that came out, and constantly watched my agility friend's feeds for all things agility but I didn't go to any shows.  I just couldn't, it was too hard.
The first year I ran at AKC nationals in Tulsa OK with a borrowed dog
Enter in this weekend, the National Agility Championship in Tulsa, OK.  I watched all of my friend's FB feeds for constant updates.  I was chained to my computer for three days.  The fire has been ignited in me to come back to agility, to somehow make it work.  I have no clue financially how I am going to do it.  I need to get back to classes, either online or with my great friend Joc.  I have to make this work.  I let this part of me die out and now I want it back.  I want my son to be a junior handler and get involved.  I want to figure out how to marry running and dog agility shows.  I LOVE the level of competition that exists now.  I love how everyone goes out and pushes themselves to the limit every run!  I want that thrill back!!!
My first and only MACH with Miller
So there it is.  Now that it is on paper and not rolling about my head, I feel much better.  Plus my readers that just know me as a runner now know a second side of me that was more in my previous blogs.   Now to make this a reality somehow, someway.

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