I'm ready

I never am totally sure about how to get my words out, so how about some word vomit?  Ew right?  It's hard to believe I have been blogging for years and years now every week and how this blog gives me a tiny bit of sanity every week when I write it.  Words get stuck and jumbled in my head, and it's a relief some days to get them out read them out loud and then leave them and walk away.  

Here lately anxiety has been my queen.  She has ruled over my every waking moment and I moving back into fight, flight, or freeze, which I just felt like I had successfully moved away from.  Just this week I was having panic attacks so bad that when I went for my morning run, I had a panic attack during my run because I couldn't even remember what day it was and what experiment I was doing.  Funny, it calms down when I am at work and allows me to work but I feel it creeping in there as well, slowly.  I am feeling like medical intervention may be necessary to give me some peace and some sleep.  I am pretty sure I am losing what little bit of hair I have due to stress.  Yet I am not sure how to get away from it?  How do you successfully compartmentalize the daily stresses and live a normal life?

 

 Sometimes, well most of the times I wish our small business would just fold.  Yes, we had stress prior to having this business, but nothing like now.  I want to go back to that kind of stress please.  I know that we could both make good money because even if my hubby is not the greatest at running a small business, he is a great electrician and now that he is on the road to being 100 percent healthy, I know he could do amazing things.  I know that closing something down that you have put your heart and soul into is never easy, but I am ready. I am ready for the stigma, the talk, the probably court for him to file bankruptcy to get out of the debt. I am ready for the bank to take all of our assets, even our house if necessary.  I am ready to be done.  I am ready to just live my life and not worry about who is quitting, who is stealing from us, who is writing down 8 hours and not working 8 hours, who do we owe money to and who is not paying us for whatever reason.  I am ready to not to have to work my main job, come home and then head to a second job.  I am ready to not to have to fight the bank every month to fund us one more month.  I am done. For those of you who keep your small businesses going for years and years and years, I am in awe.  We are on year 7 and each year gets worse, not better.  I know for me, I am not cut out for this roller coaster and I want off so that I keep any shred of mental capacity I have left.  

Sorry to be such a bummer.  I actually jumped the gun and wrote last week about what was happening this week because of course, anxiety.  We had our check up with the brain surgeon on Tuesday and all was good.  I posted the MRI in last week's blog and it was a doozy.  Here is again just in case you didn't see it.  

I really don't know how he was functioning with this in his head.  When he would say his head felt like it was going to explode he wasn't kidding.  We are so amazingly lucky that he didn't have a stroke.  He is enjoying being headache and staple free now and back to wearing hats and working as much as he can in a day.  His biggest complaint is fatigue from doing too much.  He was released to do short drives but he is driving all over the place no matter what right now.  We are slowly navigating through this to his new normal.  He has gotten back to cooking a lot which is fun to see and even helping me clean.  He's been doing laundry and some remodeling of the house by adding can lights in areas that previously were super dark and had no lights.  We finally got rid of our old treadmill and are thinking about options to replace. I am leaning towards a peloton mainly because I think that would be better for Tony and the plethora of classes would keep everything super interesting.  I don't think he will ever be a runner and I feel like walking on a mill with no tv or anything to look at would not be fun for him.  Plus, I have secretly wanted one for years as I love to bike and I know through other bloggers that there are some super simple and quick classes you can take for strength and stretching that are awesome and have a big impact.  I need to get back to strength and re ignite my love for lifting and maybe that would be the key.

I will end on running. I got three runs in this week, two 3 mile runs and one 8 mile run.  I talked to my mommy the whole time I was running my long run and it made the time fly by.  This seriously is my favorite time of the year for getting my runs done and makes me really want to figure out something to train for.  Joy to the Run starts in a couple of weeks and I can't wait to see what they have up their sleeve this year.  They made speedwork fun for me again and that is hard to do!  Plus, I have the Girls on the Run 5K coming up in a few weekends.  

I post this last because well Facebook reads my mind and then posts all of these recommended for you memes.  All of the ones I posted today in the blog have come up on my FB feed this week, but this one was the best.  Someone once told me that you truly know who your friends are when the worst hits and you are at the lowest of lows.  I have had SO many amazing people including my mom of course come out and support me and support Tony.  I will never be able to thank them enough or give back to the universe what they have given to us in this time period.  From the calls, texts, messages, cards, visits, to just the simple I am thinking about you, we have been so blessed and lucky to have so many great people/families in our lives.  

Have a great week y'all! I am going to try with every ounce of my being!